"The Talk" was edited for clarity and inclusiveness on August 27, 2021.
If you're one of my younger friends who still has their ovaries, consider yourself warned. I will ask you if we've had the menopause talk. Even though I've just warned you, when it happens, you will get a look of terror in your face. A look of What the actual fuck is this crazy old broad going to say to me? or Doesn't she know we don't talk about such things? or What crazy idea does she have now? The talk must be had. Especially, for those of us with dead moms and no older siblings who've walked the walk. I sure wish someone had had the talk with me. Thank gawd for the internet, cuz it explained so many things. Of course, it also confirmed about 20 or so diseases I was dying from.
I have The Talk because during menopause because your body does all sorts of inexplicable new things that no one ever talks about. And some of the classics. You get your, What? Am I going through puberty again? bullshit with the raging hormones. Zits? Yes. Mood-swings? Yes. We're talking anxiety, irritability, depression, crankiness.
Tangent! I love that crankiness is a symptom on WebMD. I searched for crankiness without the menopause filter. It's also a symptom of organ transplant rejection and type 1 diabetes. I don't know how to process that information.
De-tangent: Except, of course, during menopause your metabolism isn't teen-aged. Your metabolism not only slows down. It comes to a screeching halt and starts driving backwards at full speed. If you like food- and who doesn't?- you're screwed. When I was 20, if I needed to lose weight- which I didn't- Why am I even going here? I didn't need to lose weight until my late 30's and only then because it's easier to buy clothes when you're not plus sized. Also, when you're thinner, you're more bendy for sex. Very important. Sorry. I did not want to talk about weight, because, fuck weight. It's just, the reverse metabolism is evil. E-fucking-vil. Suddenly you need a new wardrobe because of the weight gain. And then another. And another.
Some of us get nonstop periods. That's not fair. It's hellacious enough to sit on a fine merlot once a month. But then, they flip the script. Instead of 3 weeks off and 1 week on, let's do 3 on & 1 off! And perhaps we'll insert a geyser! You need two tampons and maxi pads for just one hour. Period panties are usually the saddest pair of chonies you've got. To the uninitiated (that is, those who've never ovulated), underwear graduates to period panties. They don't start out that way. They're usually just fine. Till they rip. Or till they get stained with your, crap-I'm-early period. They're the old sad pair, not the ooo-someone-might-see-these pair, but the please-don't-let-me-get-in-an-accident pair. The mom-would-be-horrified-if-she-knew-I-was-wearing-these pair. The, let's be honest, most comfortable pair.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Menopause. When my cousin first got her period, she said, I can't wait for menopause! She still stands by this statement, post-menopausal.
You'd think that once you hit menopause, you could have sex with impunity! Can't get knocked up anymore. Sure, there are diseases, but if you're in a monogamous relationship (and trust your partner not to stick their dick or anything else anywhere contaminated), you should be good. (Right, honey?)
There are the typical menopausal issues:
- Hot flashes
- Trouble sleeping
- Trouble sleeping because of hot flashes
- There's that thick piece of hair that just sprang up on your face.
- Or neck.
- Or nipples.
- Or an unwanted beard or mustache.
- I'm more of a single hair type. But they appear with a vengeance. They love moles, especially moles that didn't exist before.
- There's the previously mentioned pubescent mood swings.
- And vaginal dryness- we gotta change that term.
