Wiseacres West Blog

If you've been playing along with the audience, you knew there was more menopause to come…

I've already mentioned a few of the typical symptoms. But then. there's all this weird shit that no one mentioned! I googled menopause symptoms" and one of the google summaries, you know, where something is googled so often that google helps you along with People often ask and then they answer it on the front page of your search. So, yeah, I googled the symptoms and it said, What are the 34 symptoms of menopause? 34? Thirty-fucking-four? No one — and I mean no one — mentioned that.

Don't forget google's famous, People also ask section of the results:   How bad can menopause make you feel? and Can menopause ruin your life? and my favorite, Do you fart more during menopause? For the cis-men in the audience, and those that did not get to experience the glory and hell that is menopause, the answer to all of these is Yes.

(According to the image above, the questions have changed.)

Let's plunge right in:

1. Thinning Vagina

AKA: Atrophic vaginitis

Did you know that your vaginal walls thin during menopause? Dry, sure. Mine became thin. And, no that isn't some crazy vaginal regeneration shit. Ooo. Her vaginal walls are so thin, they could be on the cover of Vogue. They call it vaginal atrophy. Atrophy, like withered. Not hot.

From a practical sense, it puts a serious damper on your sex life. Put it in gently, dear, or you'll rip me open! Seriously. Who wants sex like that? Rough sex, b'bye! Okay. Not b'bye. But maybe, if I ever wanted rough sex. If I got turned on by open sores. And pain. But I don't. Maybe this is what they mean when they say, pain may occur during sex- only they forgot to finish the sentence, because your pussy may rip open.

One way to combat this? Masturbate. Masturbate. Masturbate. Your vagina will thank you. Do it often. Because it brings blood flow to the area.

You're welcome.

Stay tuned for 33 more symptoms!

"The Talk" was edited for clarity and inclusiveness on August 27, 2021.

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If you're one of my younger friends who still has their ovaries, consider yourself warned. I will ask you if we've had the menopause talk. Even though I've just warned you, when it happens, you will get a look of terror in your face. A look of What the actual fuck is this crazy old broad going to say to me? or Doesn't she know we don't talk about such things? or What crazy idea does she have now? The talk must be had. Especially, for those of us with dead moms and no older siblings who've walked the walk. I sure wish someone had had the talk with me. Thank gawd for the internet, cuz it explained so many things. Of course, it also confirmed about 20 or so diseases I was dying from.

I have The Talk because during menopause because your body does all sorts of inexplicable new things that no one ever talks about. And some of the classics. You get your, What? Am I going through puberty again? bullshit with the raging hormones. Zits? Yes. Mood-swings? Yes. We're talking anxiety, irritability, depression, crankiness.

Tangent! I love that crankiness is a symptom on WebMD. I searched for crankiness without the menopause filter. It's also a symptom of organ transplant rejection and type 1 diabetes. I don't know how to process that information.

De-tangent: Except, of course, during menopause your metabolism isn't teen-aged. Your metabolism not only slows down. It comes to a screeching halt and starts driving backwards at full speed. If you like food- and who doesn't?- you're screwed. When I was 20, if I needed to lose weight- which I didn't- Why am I even going here? I didn't need to lose weight until my late 30's and only then because it's easier to buy clothes when you're not plus sized. Also, when you're thinner, you're more bendy for sex. Very important. Sorry. I did not want to talk about weight, because, fuck weight. It's just, the reverse metabolism is evil. E-fucking-vil. Suddenly you need a new wardrobe because of the weight gain. And then another. And another.

Some of us get nonstop periods. That's not fair. It's hellacious enough to sit on a fine merlot once a month. But then, they flip the script. Instead of 3 weeks off and 1 week on, let's do 3 on & 1 off! And perhaps we'll insert a geyser! You need two tampons and maxi pads for just one hour. Period panties are usually the saddest pair of chonies you've got. To the uninitiated (that is, those who've never ovulated), underwear graduates to period panties. They don't start out that way. They're usually just fine. Till they rip. Or till they get stained with your, crap-I'm-early period. They're the old sad pair, not the ooo-someone-might-see-these pair, but the please-don't-let-me-get-in-an-accident pair. The mom-would-be-horrified-if-she-knew-I-was-wearing-these pair. The, let's be honest, most comfortable pair.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Menopause. When my cousin first got her period, she said, I can't wait for menopause! She still stands by this statement, post-menopausal.

You'd think that once you hit menopause, you could have sex with impunity! Can't get knocked up anymore. Sure, there are diseases, but if you're in a monogamous relationship (and trust your partner not to stick their dick or anything else anywhere contaminated), you should be good. (Right, honey?)

There are the typical menopausal issues:

• Hot flashes
• Trouble sleeping
• Trouble sleeping because of hot flashes
• There's that thick piece of hair that just sprang up on your face.
  • Or neck.
    • Or nipples.
      • Or an unwanted beard or mustache.
  • I'm more of a single hair type. But they appear with a vengeance. They love moles, especially moles that didn't exist before.
• There's the previously mentioned pubescent mood swings.
• And vaginal dryness- we gotta change that term.