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Archive for September, 2021

Yes, we're only on #9

Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

photo by Kitty duKane

The list of 34 continues. Not sure what I'm talking about? Check out my earlier blog posts:

9. Mood changes

Because mental health is so burdened with stigma, I struggled with what to say when discussing mood changes because mood and mental health intermingle in my mind. No surprise here, but I AM NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. Talk to your doctor for real issues.

Tangent! And if your doctor blows you off, get another f'ing doctor. One that will listen to you, that will respect that you know more about your body than they do. I had a doctor who is now — sadly for us — retired. She told me that I know more about my body than anyone. This is true. This doctor existed in the real world, not on television or a novel or comic book or some drug induced fantasy. She was my GP who respected me and wanted to know what I thought about my body.

De-tangent: You KNOW not to take advice from random people on the internet, right? That counts for me, too. I'm only discussing myself, my experiences, and/or my NOT PEER-REVIEWED research.

WebMD, the most popular website for self-diagnosing brain tumors, lists the following as emotional changes that might be experienced during menopause: Irritability, Feelings of sadness, Lack of motivation, Anxiety, Aggressiveness, Difficulty concentrating, Fatigue, Mood changes, Tension. (AKA my Monday To-Do list.) That's a lot of indicators, so let's just stick to the three mood changes listed as examples in the now infamous 34 symptoms.

  • Anxiety: I'm not talking about an anxiety disorder. See your doctor about this.
    • Terms: I'm having anxiety, or my botheration is acting up or I've got inflamed angst, swollen worry, or a tormented attitude.
  • Irritability: "That bitch is fractious," or, "Watch out. She has a tendency toward surliness." And, yes, I'm saying surliness is positive. The first definition of surly in merriam-webster.com is "menacing or threatening in appearance." Don't mess with me. "My petulance is extra prickly today."
  • Depression: There was a story on I think This American Life or The Moth or one of those NPR storytelling shows, where a guy (maybe Andrew Solomon?) talked about a better term for depression being a "brain storm" but "brainstorm" was already a thing. If I use the phrase "brainstorm" people will think I'm referring to coming up with great ideas rather than my brain is storming in my head, complete with dark clouds, high winds, and thunder. It's not a serene place: my brain is in turmoil.
    • What if we call it a brain tempest? Or a mood squall? Or cyclonic humour?

Alternately: "I'm going into the ring with temperament, and it doesn't look good" or "I'm stuck in bed with an unending assault of self-loathing" Another angle is being consumed with hopelessness, or as I like to call it, "chock full of no hope."

A Rogue by Any Other Name

Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

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Public Domain Dedication

As horrible as all the menopause terminology is, there are a couple of good names for the symptoms, like:

5. Rogue Ovulation

Is that not the best term? Watch out. Her ovaries have gone rogue, meaning there is one final egg that was a hold out, and finally gave up and dropped, causing a period. I want more cool terms like that.

But I don't want the actual experience. I'm glad I'm done.

If it happens, perhaps we could treat it like a sporting event: It's been a long stretch for Murphy, but there's been a rogue ovulation. Her huevos have rallied.

That's right. I said huevos. I'm reclaiming it for women. We're the ones with the goddamn eggs.

Renaming, Reframing & Reclaiming

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I'm part of a vibrant and vital community of menopausal women. There is no shame in menopause. It's not a dirty word. You cringe when you hear the term because society (read: cis men) has made menopause shameful. Think of menopause like reverse puberty. Don't you wish there'd been no shame, but rather joy, when you morphed into your teen body? And wouldn't you like to hug that awkward adolescent and tell them everything will be okay?

Maybe all these symptoms, or conditions, need renaming, or reframing. Can we make them all more badass, like rogue ovulation? Yes. Yes, we can.

I'm not looking for sweet words like glistening or glowing. I want worthy terminology.

6. Hot Flashes

Hot flashes have long been called a personal summer, which I like. How about Sorry. Portable sauna in progress. Or Warning, blazing outburst. The oven is ready. Be careful. You may get burned by the broiler My cousin (yes, that cousin) calls them power surges. Which might be my favorite.

7. Night sweats

Slick sleep? Saturated siesta? Sopping snooze? Fire naps? Or nocturnal blaze?

8. Vaginal dryness

Vaginal dryness is now a parched pussy, or thirsty twat, or, for the more erudite, arid quim might be more preferable.

Stay tuned for more vocabulary!

Spin the Wheel! If you dare…

Monday, September 6th, 2021

Some of these symptoms I've experienced. Some shocked the bejeezus out of me.

2. Burning Mouth Syndrome

Along with your skinny vagina is Burning Mouth Syndrome with the decreased hormones resulting in reduced saliva production. Instead of your coochy ripping open, food is ruined. Things taste metallic and your mouth feels like it's burning. I don't know which is worse. I mean, you can't go without food. I guess I'd rather have zero metabolism than have burning mouth syndrome. As if we had a choice. Of course, you'll probably get both.

3. Hair loss/thinning hair

I thought that was for the dudes! Nope! Don't you wonder why your Aunt Maggie suddenly started wearing wigs? Because society doesn't prepare us for bald women. Bald dudes can be sexy. Hello Patrick Stewart. Sure he's old now, but he came to my undergrad acting class when he was in town for an audition for some new Star Trek thing. (Yup. I'm old. It was TNG.) He would've been in his early forties. I walked into my acting class and standing next to my teacher was some dude in tennis shorts. Some hot bald dude who acted with the Royal Shakespeare Company. Hubba hubba. But, aside from the voluntarily bald- like Charlize Theron in Mad Max, Demi Moore in GI Jane, or Lupita Nyong'o in everything- bald isn't a look that society embraces for women.

I was lucky that I started with thick hair. I never achieved scarcity. However, there was a time a few years ago that I kept clogging the drain in our shower. When I'd shampoo, my fingers would get tangled in the hair coming off my head. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. I thought, it must be stress. It wasn't until several years later, as my menopause was winding down and when I was writing down the 34 symptoms that I realized that time was early in my menopause. Mine eventually stopped. Others does not.

4. Osteoporosis

This shit is evil. Did you ever wonder why all these old women were always falling and breaking their hips? I'd heard that some of the time, they weren't. There's a theory that hips break, so they fell. Now I can't find any sciency that states that, so it was probably an old husband's tale.

I've been considering starting skateboarding again, but this crone's bones are not what they used to be. It might be a serious mistake.