A couple? few? years ago, I started acknowledging something within myself. I told myself — and friends — that if I were growing up today, "I would totally be nonbinary." I'd expound on my gratitude to the youth who treated the gender binary with the silliness it deserved. I shared my "if I were growing up today" theory with several friends. I don't know if they were being polite, frightened, or were as clueless as I was. Then some time in late 2022 or early 2023, it occurred to me, "Hey, if I would've been nonbinary if I were growing up now, that probably means that… that… wait a minute… that means I'm probably… I am nonbinary now."
I didn't tell people my realization for a while because "I wanted to be sure" (NOTE: I was sure.) First I told the spouse. He reacted well. I wonder if it's because he's a middle school teacher and his students had already gotten him used to the concept? (see above: gratitude to the youth). Then he shared it to a group of online friends, which freaked me the fuck out. He apologized for the complete inappropriateness of outing me, then a part of me was grateful because it wasn't a secret that I could let die with him. Others knew.
My next toe in the nonbinary water came with changing my pronouns on Zoom from she/her to she/they. There's this guy that makes a big stink about pronouns and I dreaded hearing flack from him. I could and would defend others, but defending myself? That was new territory. Luckily, I rarely ran into this guy online anymore. I'd see him in person, but IRL he couldn't see my pronouns. Out in the 3D, I could hide from him, from his derision. I could "pass." I was hiding behind my privilege.
Soon, I admitted to a friend that I held on to "she" because of fear, because I didn't want to correct people. She/they meant that if they used "she" I didn't have to say anything. The next day, I change my Zoom pronouns to they/them. The people I'd see on Zoom knew a little more (if they even noticed.)
I considered changing my first name because my given name feels very female. But doing this would require regular outing of myself. Heaven forfend that I make people uncomfortable by learning my proper name. Jeez. When I write it out, I hear only my fear. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being judged, afraid that the kids on the playground will make fun of me.
