A couple? few? years ago, I started acknowledging something within myself. I told myself — and friends — that if I were growing up today, "I would totally be nonbinary." I'd expound on my gratitude to the youth who treated the gender binary with the silliness it deserved. I shared my "if I were growing up today" theory with several friends. I don't know if they were being polite, frightened, or were as clueless as I was. Then some time in late 2022 or early 2023, it occurred to me, "Hey, if I would've been nonbinary if I were growing up now, that probably means that… that… wait a minute… that means I'm probably… I am nonbinary now."
I didn't tell people my realization for a while because "I wanted to be sure" (NOTE: I was sure.) First I told the spouse. He reacted well. I wonder if it's because he's a middle school teacher and his students had already gotten him used to the concept? (see above: gratitude to the youth). Then he shared it to a group of online friends, which freaked me the fuck out. He apologized for the complete inappropriateness of outing me, then a part of me was grateful because it wasn't a secret that I could let die with him. Others knew.
My next toe in the nonbinary water came with changing my pronouns on Zoom from she/her to she/they. There's this guy that makes a big stink about pronouns and I dreaded hearing flack from him. I could and would defend others, but defending myself? That was new territory. Luckily, I rarely ran into this guy online anymore. I'd see him in person, but IRL he couldn't see my pronouns. Out in the 3D, I could hide from him, from his derision. I could "pass." I was hiding behind my privilege.
Soon, I admitted to a friend that I held on to "she" because of fear, because I didn't want to correct people. She/they meant that if they used "she" I didn't have to say anything. The next day, I change my Zoom pronouns to they/them. The people I'd see on Zoom knew a little more (if they even noticed.)
I considered changing my first name because my given name feels very female. But doing this would require regular outing of myself. Heaven forfend that I make people uncomfortable by learning my proper name. Jeez. When I write it out, I hear only my fear. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being judged, afraid that the kids on the playground will make fun of me.
Again, sorry about the accidental outing- and for the inevitable accidental future deadnaming!
You be you, Lennox! You are the same person, regardless of name or pronoun, and I wouldn’t want you any other way!
You, Lennox, dear person, have the courage to discover your full self. Simply having the courage to look within and recognize each moment of discovery is stunning. Then to show some of that lovely self to others is a statement of your strength. I honor you.
A fan, a friend, a brother, a partner, a supporter….I heart you.
You are an awesome, brilliant, kind, funny human being and I feel so lucky to count you as a dear friend! I’m proud of you for adventuring into the depths of your truth despite all the reasons the world gives us to stay within arbitrary boundaries.
I am so glad you shared that.