For all the artists who didn't.
And all the artists who did.
This HowlRound article about motherhood and theater got me thinking, about the paths not taken, about fear, about motherhood.
I think about all the things I didn't do and why not. Â Here's what I tell myself:
- In college, I gave up acting for directing because of the fear of rejection.
- I fell in love with directing.
- I needed a full time job for the benefits. The one time I went without benefits, I broke my hand. So, I got a job with benefits.
- I gave up directing because I couldn't work a full time job and direct. (Why not? Because that's what I told myself.)
- I started writing plays because they didn't require the rehearsal time commitment, but being a writer requires self-discipline. I'm good with a deadline, but not self-imposed deadlines. (Why not? Because that's what I told myself.)
- I didn't pursue theater because I may want a family and I knew I couldn't do both. (Why not? Because that's what I told myself.)
- I didn't have a family because it would mess with my theater and I knew I couldn't do both. (Why not? Because that's what I told myself.)
Am I a reliable narrator of my own life? I doubt it more and more. Looking back now, the probable reason I balked at every opportunity? Fear. There's that hokey but true acronym for fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. (Or, f–k everything and run.)
I came by my fear honestly. It was drilled into me by my mom. Now, I feel it's my duty to tell every young person I know to go for it, whatever "it" may be. There's time for all that other $h!t later. Their parents can tell them to take the safe route. I want to be the aunt/friend/stranger to encourage facing the fear. (More hokey sayings: Courage is having the fear but doing it anyway.)
Be courageous. (Did you hear that, Katherine?)
Tags: courage, fear, motherhood, theater, theatre
Such a good reminder–thank you!
I tell every young artist person I meet to jump in with both feet. If the kid was a scientist, wouldn't you be telling them to:
Go to the best School you possibly can
Get all the Experience you possibly can
Work as Hard as you can?
Would you be telling them maybe they should have a plan B? Probably not.
My current mantra is "stop worrying about what could go wrong and be excited about what can go right." It is helpful to me because I spend so much of my time thinking of every last thing that can go wrong. It is debilitating!
This resonates with the now, don't you think?
Sometimes. I fluctuate from completely quitting writing, with the thought: If I were a writer, I'd want to write more.
Now that I have a writing routine — which I didn't when I wrote this blog — the piece resonates less.
I'm sad for scaredy-cat me. I want to sit down with every 20-something and pep-talk them about their dreams.