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Archive for the ‘Nonbinary’ Category

What's in a Name?

Wednesday, October 16th, 2024

First came the pronouns, then came the name.

I didn't dislike my given name. The name just felt very female. And since I realized I was nonbinary, by the very definition of nonbinary, I wasn't female. A name change felt in order.

I started looking at gender neutral names. One caught my eye. For some reason, I passed it up. So. Many. Names. I felt overwhelmed by them all. I thought having a system would help.

I'm Irish and Welsh, so I perused Irish and Welsh gender neutral names that start with a C. I figured I could change the C to a K and it would align with my previous name. My plan was genius! How could it fail?! It can fail if you don't like any of your options. I decided to return to the overwhelming list of names… Soon…

First, I went to see Brandi Carlile "and friends" at the Hollywood Bowl. My friend and I attended hoping that Joni Mitchell might show up. She did. And so did other "friends" including Annie Lennox. Annie was alive. Bouncing, exuberant, having fun dancing up a storm. She was 69 and relentless. If she wasn't singing lead, she was singing backup. She was supporting others on stage. She seemed egoless and joyful. I'm a child of the eighties and the Eurhythmics never failed to capture my imagination. And Annie? She was one of the first androgynous women that came into my consciousness. I connected with her. The suits, the spiky hair, the everything. Most recently, she kept appearing in my Instagram feed with political messages. Could she be anymore awesome? Then I remembered the name that had caught my eye at the beginning of my search: Lennox. I didn't know anyone named Lennox. There was no baggage associated with the name. Annie was the only Lennox I knew. Once I really considered the name, I knew it was right. It just fit.

Now, when people question my name. "Lennox?" "Yes, like Annie. Annie Lennox."

Could she be anymore badass?

Trans Day of Visibility #TDoV

Sunday, March 31st, 2024

A couple? few? years ago, I started acknowledging something within myself. I told myself — and friends — that if I were growing up today, "I would totally be nonbinary." I'd expound on my gratitude to the youth who treated the gender binary with the silliness it deserved. I shared my "if I were growing up today" theory with several friends. I don't know if they were being polite, frightened, or were as clueless as I was. Then some time in late 2022 or early 2023, it occurred to me, "Hey, if I would've been nonbinary if I were growing up now, that probably means that… that… wait a minute… that means I'm probably… I am nonbinary now."

I didn't tell people my realization for a while because "I wanted to be sure" (NOTE: I was sure.) First I told the spouse. He reacted well. I wonder if it's because he's a middle school teacher and his students had already gotten him used to the concept? (see above: gratitude to the youth). Then he shared it to a group of online friends, which freaked me the fuck out. He apologized for the complete inappropriateness of outing me, then a part of me was grateful because it wasn't a secret that I could let die with him. Others knew.

My next toe in the nonbinary water came with changing my pronouns on Zoom from she/her to she/they. There's this guy that makes a big stink about pronouns and I dreaded hearing flack from him. I could and would defend others, but defending myself? That was new territory. Luckily, I rarely ran into this guy online anymore. I'd see him in person, but IRL he couldn't see my pronouns. Out in the 3D, I could hide from him, from his derision. I could "pass." I was hiding behind my privilege.

Soon, I admitted to a friend that I held on to "she" because of fear, because I didn't want to correct people. She/they meant that if they used "she" I didn't have to say anything. The next day, I change my Zoom pronouns to they/them. The people I'd see on Zoom knew a little more (if they even noticed.)

I considered changing my first name because my given name feels very female. But doing this would require regular outing of myself. Heaven forfend that I make people uncomfortable by learning my proper name. Jeez. When I write it out, I hear only my fear. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being judged, afraid that the kids on the playground will make fun of me.

Young kid (age 3 or 4) dressed in American football gear, including jersey and shoulder pads. They hold a football and a helmet.
For more of my gender ramblings, see what I wrote in 2020. I just didn't quite comprehend what it really meant to me.